fear

I've started and restarted this at least 5 times so far.

Something ingrained in my subconscious keeps screaming "fear is weakness & vulnerability"

Now I am wondering if vulnerability is such a bad thing -

I think jumping out of planes is fun.

Heights are exhilarating.

Public speaking - no big deal.

Swimming in the middle of the ocean is tranquil.

Being alone is peaceful.

Death will come eventually, no need to question the inevitable.

I walked out on an unsatisfying well paying job without anything lined up or even the remotest inkling of a plan.

***

Money.  So taboo.  Admitting you sometimes don't know how you're going to make it to the next paycheck makes me almost feel ashamed.

I should have it figured out - at least the money stuff - I did have it figured out.

And then the bottom dropped out and the economy went to the shitter.

It keeps sleep at bay.  The worry.  The drowning sensation.

The adjusting bills and calling companies and asking for extensions.

The not knowing in this arena terrifies me.

***

Snakes.

Caterpillars 

{because they are like fuzzy snakes}

***

Wasting potential.

{i consider this the greatest tragedy in a lifetime}

I don't know if this is a feeling everyone has,

burning in their gut...

THE KNOWING

The absolute gnawing growing knowledge that you are supposed to DO something

Accomplish something

Live a life of greatness.

A sharp pain every day you let go by, slip away

Without taking one positive step towards at least understanding what it is

YOU are Supposed

to 

do.

I fear that the days will continue to slip by and I will never figure it out.

I will continue to dabble in things that bring me joy

And devote too much time and energy to things that do not.

We all have to do things we don't like

They Say

That is just the way it is

But Why?

***

I fear I will never live by the sea as I want

Life keeps on getting in the way

***

I used to fear BEING ALONE

I got over that

I realized that is was my fear of never having someone who really 

LOVED ME.

&then I began to love me.

Now I revel in time to myself

{shivasna especially}

Simplicity

Every single time I feel things getting out of control

My solution is to simplify.

Or at least that is the solution that I think will magically solve all my woes.

Drowning in bills and can't seem to catch your breath?

Well simplification will help conserve money.

Everything out of your life feel completely out of control, wizard of oz, house in a twister kind of well?

Well of course simplification will help you gain control again.

Heartbroken, lustful, greedy, envious (inject any of the other deadly sins)

Why, my dear, simplification is surely the key.

I grasp onto this notion.  Focus on it.  Make plans on how to manifest this simplification notion into a reality.  I make lists, mental and physical.

I start the daunting task of organizing and cleaning and packing up bags for Goodwill.

Oh my closet is starting to look good without so much clothing.

Things are picking up.

Simplifying may very well be the cure all duct tape to life!

Day 3 of rice and beans.  Some raw veggies.  Simple simple simple.  That will kick start my newest diet/detox/lifestyle.

No I don't miss those iced skinny vanilla lattes AT ALL.

This simple plain green tea will do just fine.  Yummy.

Eagerly waiting for the stress to melt away.

I've adopted a simpler way of living you know.

Raw, fresh, essentials.

Attachments be gone.

Its about 5 days in that I officially crack.

Possessions bagged up for goodwill sit by the front door, creating clutter.

Piles that were once so neatly organized kicked over, bedroom floor even more disastrous than before.

A pizza binge because it is so much better than waiting 45 minutes for the brown rice to steam.

Dishes piling up in the sink from too many late nights.

Snarling at RSB and kitty because they comment on the toppled piles and bags piled by door as I angrily pound a venti iced skinny vanilla latte.

More time goes by.

Corporate hell draining, funds tights (again), a move looming.

When I move I will simplify.

Perfect timing to start fresh.

Let this place go to hell for the next month.

Then I will begin anew.

Beach vac-a-tion at the beginning of July will be the jump start I need.

1 duffel of clothes.  Makeup free.  Books and ipod.

Fresh farm raw food.

Beach.  Sand.  Salty air.

Simplification at its finest.

Away from all distractions.

I have this all planned out.

The beginning of a simpler, stress free life 

{as I hastily rob Peter to pay Paul with bills}

{and the dishes are overflowing the sink}

{and the recently laundered yoga clothes are in a pile on the bed unfolded wrinkling}

{and the cat is lost somewhere under a pile of too skinny and too fat clothes meowing pitifully}

Yes stress free simplicity

Starts 7/1

~*~*~

One.

I have a secret.  I am really a skinny athletic yogi trapped in a chubby sweaty girls body.  Its the truth.  She is literally dying to escape.

She is beyond pissed that she can't touch her toes anymore without bending her knees.

98% to backbend is unacceptable to her.

She feels nauseous when she catches a glimpse of herself in mirrors, round and struggling to get into a pose, boobs and belly in the way.

But tonight, for the first time in a long time the chubby yogi and secret skinny mean yogi found common ground.

For the first time

In a long time

There was peace instead of pain in downward dog.

In downward dog the skinny bitch shut her judgmental trap and the chubby yogi found bliss in pose she had been struggling with since getting back into yoga 3 months ago.

For the first time in a long time they were one

Totally entranced in the moment.

&the skinny bitch stayed quiet all the way home.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The 21.5.800 Challenge came most unexpectedly.  But I am ever so glad it did.  

In my heart of hearts I am a writer.  A photographer.  But a writer first and foremost.

But blocked.

Very much so.

Blogging - something I always thought would come so easy to me - has been a challenge.

Lately I have been fearful that I have nothing all that interesting to say.  That maybe I peaked in college (gasp)

That I have been so engrossed in the corporate nightmare that I have lost my desire to live creatively

Passionately.

But with the pledge to write each day, for 21 days.

I feel.

Inspired.

Hopeful.

A little sore (probably from the double dose of yoga yumminess today)

&ever so grateful.

As I am about to embark on such a blissful journey.

*Seaside (in my mind) of course*