Sunday, June 20


I've started and restarted this at least 5 times so far.
Something ingrained in my subconscious keeps screaming "fear is weakness & vulnerability"
Now I am wondering if vulnerability is such a bad thing -

I think jumping out of planes is fun.
Heights are exhilarating.
Public speaking - no big deal.
Swimming in the middle of the ocean is tranquil.
Being alone is peaceful.
Death will come eventually, no need to question the inevitable.
I walked out on an unsatisfying well paying job without anything lined up or even the remotest inkling of a plan.


Money.  So taboo.  Admitting you sometimes don't know how you're going to make it to the next paycheck makes me almost feel ashamed.
I should have it figured out - at least the money stuff - I did have it figured out.
And then the bottom dropped out and the economy went to the shitter.
It keeps sleep at bay.  The worry.  The drowning sensation.
The adjusting bills and calling companies and asking for extensions.
The not knowing in this arena terrifies me.


{because they are like fuzzy snakes}


Wasting potential.
{i consider this the greatest tragedy in a lifetime}
I don't know if this is a feeling everyone has,
burning in their gut...
The absolute gnawing growing knowledge that you are supposed to DO something
Accomplish something
Live a life of greatness.
A sharp pain every day you let go by, slip away
Without taking one positive step towards at least understanding what it is
YOU are Supposed

I fear that the days will continue to slip by and I will never figure it out.
I will continue to dabble in things that bring me joy
And devote too much time and energy to things that do not.

We all have to do things we don't like
They Say
That is just the way it is

But Why?


I fear I will never live by the sea as I want
Life keeps on getting in the way


I used to fear BEING ALONE
I got over that
I realized that is was my fear of never having someone who really 
&then I began to love me.
Now I revel in time to myself
{shivasna especially}

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