Wednesday, June 25

i hope you'll undertsand...

i love you without knowing how,
or when,
or from where.
i love you straightforwardly,
without complexities or pride;
so i love you because i know no other way...

~pablo neruda~

when i say that something...

Right now I have taken to sitting directly on the deck in an attempt to catch a wireless signal on my mac book. All the technical problems we have faced living here are maybe the thing I will miss least (besides the ants). I always thought to myself that I could totally live without my computer, without the tv. A simple life. Which I can, for the most part. But knowing you've paid your roommates for said services and that they decided to spend said money elsewhere...well, enough said. The move is exactly two weeks away and we are being such slackers. Nothing is packed except the stuff I never unpacked upon my move down here in January. I guess deep down I knew that I would not last long in this place. This black hole of no wireless signals...

Last night I convinced rockstar boyfriend a twilight stroll along the water was in order. Rockstar boyfriend is feeling stressed about my utter disgust regarding our living situation and is eager to move on (to the apartment he loved so much that he immediately decided that there was no need to look anywhere else) And he is quite understanding about my overwhelming need to start fresh in a place that is not teeming with negative energy...a fresh clean start, a new palette to create for our life together...and ever so patient when I decide I must capture the twilight fishers in just the right light...

We both keep putting off the inevitable purging. Even though we will both have our own walk-in closets along with plenty of other storage space, I want both of us to get rid of at least 25% of our clothing. We have so much, which always results in clutter, this having more than we need. Moving is the perfect time to declutter, to simplify. Our lifestyles, our possessions, our diets. A current preoccupation with purity, if you couldnt tell already...

To getting back to basics.


An attempt to escape that dorning feeling that has been engulfing me for years.

A chance to always feel as I do, when I reconnect with Mother Earth, barefeet in the grass, face up to the sun, heart filled with bliss.

The fix I so crave.

The bliss junkie that I am...


Monday, June 23

whats rockin my socks

God Makes the Rivers to Flow ~ Eknath Easwaran

Kiehls Creme with Silk Groom

Vanilla Tulsi Tea

Found Sea Glass and Brass Necklaces

Peace Train ~ Natalie Merchant

Mini Ocean City NJ Vacation with Rockstar Boyfriend

Ultra baggy perfect linen pants from Target

Pefect Filmy white Eileen Fisher sweater

The new season of Weeds


new soul~

~Lead me from the unreal to the real
Lead me from the darkness to the light
Lead me from death to immortality~
...taken from The Upanishads

Its been a long time since I have felt like I can just breathe...
Theres too much clutter, too many things...
Too many fatty unhealthy foods instead of the nourishing dankness that my body craves...
Too much hatred in my heart, not enough love...too much anger, not enough calm...
A cleanse is what I need. A deep spring cleaning of every inch of my being, down to the very depths of my soul. There is no better time than the present, no better moment than this. There will be a massive purge before the move. I plan on getting rid of almost half of my belongings. Rockstar boyfriend and I need the fresh start. Too many ghosts, too much hostility, too much saddness in this dank hole. Echoes of the neglected child upstairs, his unhappy tantrums, his sad childhood. I struggle with decisions on what is right, what should be done; when in reality the answer is quite clear. It is just not the path of least resistance which I seem to seek out lately...
My body is tired. Aching, I go to bed earlier and earlier and feel less and less refreshed when I wake up in the morning. The food I have been eating leaves me with a sick nausea in the pit of my stomach. I make excuses, like I dont want to cook anything in that kitchen with the ant infestation. I will cook when I get a kitchen that isnt likely to catch on fire and other such statements. Rockstar boyfriend is happy, this means easy meals like mac and cheese and hamburger helper and burgers. My living situation is only part of the problem.
For months I have been overfeeding my body and starving my soul.
I havent found a yoga class out here. I am checking out a class near my new home on Wednesday. The last one I went to was the furthest thing from spiritual. It was like yoga bootcamp on speed. This was the first yoga class that I wished was over before I was even 10 minutes into it...I've never felt so fat and inadequate in all my life...
I have been living amongst clutter for far too long. I feel like I am drowning.
I think a detoxifying diet is called for.
A calming weekend in Ocean City, then back for a 4 day holiday next week.
To gather my thoughts before the move, to calm my soul.

Thursday, June 19


I read and walked for miles at night along the beach,
writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness

It never crossed my mind that that person could be me.

Anna Quindlen

Wednesday, June 18


I've taken to wearing a very stark palet.

White, Black, Dark Gray, dusty blues and dusty roses, creams...baggy flowing fabrics...mostly what I refer to as my beachy chica clothes. Flowy Eileen Fisher tops, oversized linen pants, mostly barefoot, tired of doing battle with the humidity in the apartment, usually without makeup, hair a curly mess.

I am slowly easing back into the UltraSimple Diet plan...going back to roots...simple to digest, pure, nourishing foods. No caffeine, always a hard one for me, being the java junkie that I am.

My body is screaming for simplification. I daydream about closets and storage and space. My current living situation stress is manifesting itself into every aspect of my life. Feeling overwhelmed last night, suffocated, I grabbed my camera and keys and drove down to the reservoir, enjoying a cooly breezy perfect dusk...

Driving, blissing out to Rachael Brady, I glanced over to seat next to me, and took in all the gadgets accompanying me on my "escape." Ipod, camera, cell phone/palm...all gadgets which are always in my possession...with a touch of a button, a slide of a wheel, a tap on a screen, I have instant internet connection, playlists of my favorite jams, hundreds of pictures, my agenda, my work can one simplify, when one is so attached?

Dressed in white, toes loving the grass tickling under my Rainbows, I wandered besides the water, watching the fisherman, so oblivious, wading in the water, which is reflecting the orange of the sunset.

I found a rock, took to a yogi squat and was there, precisely in that moment. In that exact time and place, with no thoughts to the past, no frets about the future. Merely "being here now." I looked down to the water and right below the rock was a fish, just staring up at me. He was a big guy to, a catch to make any fisherman proud. And I just sat there and we just looked at each other, perfectly still. The went on for the duration of the sunset. I was so calm and my head was clear.

Blissfully I slowly wandered back to my car, amidst the artists painting the view, the lovers holding hands, the children and dogs wading in the water. I took the long way home, enjoying every blissful second with this cheesy ass grin on my face, determined in what I was going to do. I drove myself to Whole Foods and stocked up on some organic goodies for my detoxification. My body, my soul, my mind...all need to be healed. Enriched. Nourished. I am exhausted all the time. It seems like instead of the blissful everyday magical moments to which I should be devoting my energy, I choose to dwell on the shitty draining things. And I really don't want to waste even another fraction of a second with those vampires...

Monday, June 16

Splendid Isolation

More often than not, I find comfort in solitude.

Walking deserted beaches first thing in the morning...

Hiking deep into woods, far outside of any cell zone...

Swimming out far into the water and just floating...

I look over the desolate wilderness up in the mountains of Tahoe and imagine what it would be like just to wander and know true silence...

Walking in the freshly falling snow, high above sea level, surrounded by the kind of cold that takes your breath away, wind stinging your face, and feeling so peaceful...

Sunday, June 8

A perfect day...

It was February and we decided to go to the beach. Isolated beach towns suit me just fine, I love the rawness of the elements and the emptiness. And the bone chilling cold of standing on the beach, entranced by the waves. Gray. Peaceful.

We booked an ocean front room in a hotel room like every other beach hotel room up and down the coast. We opened the doors to the sea and let the salty air filled the room, the sounds of waves violently crashing upon the shore. We sat there, silent. Mesmerized. Silently sipping our glasses, his usual captain and diet and myself a heady red.

The only time I really can stand going to Ocean City, MD is in the offseason. Its quiet and relaxing and not annoyingly overcrowded with drunken frat brats and scantily clad sorostitutes. I love throwing on my uggs and old jeans and well worn fishermans sweater, tying a long scraf around my neck, and wandering along the boards, watching the water. Rockstar boyfriend loves OC in the summertime. When it is pulsing with bodies, all trying to cram into the allready overcrowded bars, the already overcrowded beaches, 8 people to a hotel room. We balance each other out in that sense. We both crave opposite ends of the spectrum and always meet somewhere in the middle...

The next morning we rose early, faces cold, bodies warm snuggled under piles of blankets, listening to waves lap against the shore. Grudgingly we got dressed, bodies blissed out beyond words, relaxed to perfection. Grabbing our sunglasses, him his signature aviators, myself my classic Chanels and braved the chilly beach morning, instantly waking up our still sleepy bodies. We went to a quaint beachy restraunt which served piping hot coffee, strong, the way both of us like it. We both went for the house special breakfast, Lump Crab Eggs Benedict, our favorite. Our deadhead waiter chatted with us about music, in no rush, the offseason has a completely relaxed, less rushed vibe. Rockstar boyfriend and waiter traded a few tour stories, while I slowly lavished over my piping hot, deliciously warming coffee, watching the sun play on the water. Watching rockstar boyfriend, out of the corner of my eye, speak passionately about the his music and his band. Feeling so in love, so blissed out...

After breakfast, we walked in the cold February sun. We went to the funkiest little art gallery I have ever seen, spending hours digging through the piles of art, wandering through the mazes of painting and prints, finally agreeing on 4 painting for our walls, all framed in driftwood. Walking down the boardwalk, amidst the closed shops, feeling the sun on our faces, the salt in our hair, on our lips, silently holding hands.

We stayed and watched the sun set on the bay. Our drive home was dark and peaceful, jamming to the Dead, Michael Franti, Paul Simon, the Weepies, Warren Zevon and such. A perfectly blissful weekend before I started my new job.

I'm thinking back on that weekend, sweating in my crowded, starting to get packed up, un-air conditioned apartment in 90 degree heat. Looking at the piles of clothes on the floor, slacking on folding and sorting. I swear I just felt that cool ocean breeze on my skin...

~with sweaty grace

Wednesday, June 4

Whats Rockin My Socks...

Moving to my new apartment

Eileen Fisher

Honest Tea Pomegranate Red Tea with Goji Berry

Soulshine ~ Warren Haynes

Chick Rocker Lit

Simply Vera line


Sexxxy rockstar boyfriends voice when he sings

My perfect Bergdorf dress for a Santa Barbara wedding

Deepak, for saying this:

~The way of peace is a soul journey. . . .
If you can live from the level of your soul, you are doing something very special. The important thing is how much consciousness you add to the whole of human existence,
for that is how eternity expresses itself,
like a lamp shining through the window of eternity~

Sea Glass

Rainbow sunsets that wash the sky in pinks, magentas, plums, burgundys and purples

Found art, framed in driftwood, on a rainy ocean city day in the funkiest art gallery on the planet

~with thanks

Corporate Diva to...Happy

About this time last year I made one of the toughest decisions of my life. While evaluating my life, I realized that I had everything I thought I wanted. An extremely well-paying job, a gorgeous overpriced apartment, a cool vehicle, nice clothes and accessories and a rockstar boyfriend who loved me, wholeheartedly. All I was missing from my perfect life was my beach house...oh and a little thing called bliss...

I was in insurance sales for the one of the largest companies in the world. And I was very successful. But everyday after work I would get in my car and cry. Bawl my eyes out the whole way to my deluxe apartment in the sky. And I was becoming mean. I was really starting to despise people. And myself. So I made a choice, one that I have never regretted. I walked away. With no other job lined up. Just walked away. It was either that or lose my soul. I chose the path which was most blissful and certainly least taken. I lived off the money I had saved for my beach house until February of this year, when I found my current blissful company, a company that actually has yoga Fridays until summertime and then its just halfday Fridays.

Of course, in a perfect world, I would not be working in insurance. My passion is writing. A passion which I have been surpressing these last couple of years. Its been so long since I have actually looked forward to going to work in the morning. But I have found this with the current insurance job. Sometimes a girl just has to pay the bills while pursuing her passion in her spare time. Thats the path I am on right now.

With the upcoming move I have decided I need to simplify...didnt someone, maybe Thoreau say, "when you simplify your life, the world becomes simpler." Well I am staring out at a big ol complicated mess which vaguely resembles my life. I think its in there somewhere under the clothes and purses and pottery barn throw pillows and shoes and beauty products. Just need to dig it out...

It just may take a little longer than I want it to, to locate it in all that rubble.

Rollin my sleeves on up.

Diggin on it.

~with hope~

Monday, June 2


This is Josie.

She is a dumpster kitty who was rescued by friends of ours this winter. Don't even get me started on the type of people who leave 2 little kittens in a box next to a dumpster in the middle of an East Coast winter. As a result, she definately has abandonment issues. She is a complete love bug, though, cuddle puss, who actually has conversations with you. She literally responds when you ask her a question with one of her dozens of different meows.

Rockstar boyfriend has actually trained her to jump from the floor up to his chest when he pats himself.

Now if I can just get her to sit still for pictures...

Josie and Paul on the way to Carolina...

moving on...

This last year has been a twirly whirly storm of changes, picking me up, spinning me around, leaving me a bit disoriented...

I have not been able to find any kind of peace in my new home. At first, I rolled up my sleeves and dove in, fully believing that I could make Paul's apartment livable. Goodnaturedly (as always) Paul catered to each decorating whim that was tossed his way. Friends were shocked at how drastic of an improvement came along in such a short time. Yet, still I was unable to find that sense of tranquility that I so desperately longed for. I could blame it on the constant parade of ants marching across the kitchen wall. The bathroom that never dries. The drains that never really drain. The upstairs neighbors who basically define the phrase "neighbors from hell." The energy has always been off; no amount of smudging or incense burning or lovely art or crystals strategically placed in an attempt to create harmony could remedy this...

We are moving.

In a month.

To a very chill super cute community called Loveton Farms, far outside the city limits. As soon as I drove around the community I knew this was where my much needed serenity could be found.

Rockstar boyfriend has been stellar about the entire situation. Even though the move will virtually double our rent, he knows how much I despise where we are residing now. Lucky chica I am to have someone who understands my need for a harmonious atmosphere. It is a rather large top floor apartment overlooking the woods and about a mile from some of the kewlest hiking trails around. I am definately getting a bike :-)

We've been watching a lot of sunsets lately. Both of us are such beach bums and the $4/gallon gas has been keeping us pretty close to home lately. I dream of the ocean. I want to smell the salt, have squishy cold sand running between my toes, feeling the breeze that immediately brings curl to my hair. We have been making do with the reservoir. Vacation unfortunately will pretty much need to be bypassed this year. Only a few days with my family on our annual Ocean City NJ outing...I am so bummed. I walk on the beach for hours, just communing with the ocean. Standing in it in the early sun, freezing cold waves lapping up my calves. Absorbing as much calming energy as I can. This is the most effectual way of entering a state of ZEN for me...

Hopefully my new home will help accomplish that...

And soon we will move to the ocean...

~with grace