new soul~

~Lead me from the unreal to the real
Lead me from the darkness to the light
Lead me from death to immortality~
...taken from The Upanishads

Its been a long time since I have felt like I can just breathe...
Theres too much clutter, too many things...
Too many fatty unhealthy foods instead of the nourishing dankness that my body craves...
Too much hatred in my heart, not enough love...too much anger, not enough calm...
A cleanse is what I need. A deep spring cleaning of every inch of my being, down to the very depths of my soul. There is no better time than the present, no better moment than this. There will be a massive purge before the move. I plan on getting rid of almost half of my belongings. Rockstar boyfriend and I need the fresh start. Too many ghosts, too much hostility, too much saddness in this dank hole. Echoes of the neglected child upstairs, his unhappy tantrums, his sad childhood. I struggle with decisions on what is right, what should be done; when in reality the answer is quite clear. It is just not the path of least resistance which I seem to seek out lately...
My body is tired. Aching, I go to bed earlier and earlier and feel less and less refreshed when I wake up in the morning. The food I have been eating leaves me with a sick nausea in the pit of my stomach. I make excuses, like I dont want to cook anything in that kitchen with the ant infestation. I will cook when I get a kitchen that isnt likely to catch on fire and other such statements. Rockstar boyfriend is happy, this means easy meals like mac and cheese and hamburger helper and burgers. My living situation is only part of the problem.
For months I have been overfeeding my body and starving my soul.
I havent found a yoga class out here. I am checking out a class near my new home on Wednesday. The last one I went to was the furthest thing from spiritual. It was like yoga bootcamp on speed. This was the first yoga class that I wished was over before I was even 10 minutes into it...I've never felt so fat and inadequate in all my life...
I have been living amongst clutter for far too long. I feel like I am drowning.
I think a detoxifying diet is called for.
A calming weekend in Ocean City, then back for a 4 day holiday next week.
To gather my thoughts before the move, to calm my soul.